Part 1. chapter 1.
“You learn about fight or flight, but no one ever mentions the third alliterative option; freeze.”
Part 1- How Identity is built
chapter 1 - the need to be a protector
The night was dark, silent and relaxing. I always was content in the comfort of my own bedroom. A safe space surrounded by comforts and distractions, primarily the Xbox that guaranteed to immerse me in my own world. I was soon ripped out of that reality and into my body! for the first time; real life would greet me with emotions I have never felt before.
Interrupted from my nightly gaming session by the sound of glass shattering and men stampeding the house a couple doors down I did what any young eleven year old boy would do…jump straight out of bed and slowly creep towards the bedroom window to witness the midnight show first hand. Living in the last house at the end of the street I naturally look right; towards the drama so with slight expectations in mind what was about to come to view I was surprised when I get to the window to see a man in the corner to my left!. Crouched behind a car and a weapon in his hand so close to my home set alarm bells ringing! ‘He shouldn’t be there’ I thought, ‘He should be a few doors down!’. With my eyes glued to this man I faintly hear my living room door open downstairs, it’s my auntie. ‘she’s just being nosey’ I thought… I hoped! Then feeling some form of sixth sense that she was going to open the front door; I had the urge to shout down to stop her but the words just couldn't leave my mouth, I stood there staring at this man too scared to say a word incase he heard me. To my horror the one thing that kept this man an outsider from being an intruder just slowly creeped open! It was as if my auntie had opened the flood gates of fear into my home and fear itself knew exactly where I was, sniffed me out and headed straight for me! It had well and truly captured me as I felt my entire being constricted by it. Frozen in time after one full breath I was just left standing there witnessing these slow moments… The man’s sharp reaction like a deer seeing headlights as my front door slowly opened, his posture rose up and leaned forward without hesitation but his arm reached around his back hiding the weapon from view. “Get back inside” he said firmly to my auntie, not hearing her response... “Get back inside”! he shouted again. ‘Please just shut the door’ I thought, ‘please don’t hurt her’! The thoughts repeating in my mind over and over. Finally my prayers were answered! she shut the door and the man turned towards the house a couple doors down. Released from the grasp of fear and time now unfrozen I sprinted downstairs to see if my auntie was okay. I’m not sure why but I was surprised and a little taken back when I seen her so emotional, she was hysterical! catching her sort of pacing but lost, her arms and legs looked as if they had a mind of there own and there was no hiding the look of pure terror on her face! ‘I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do’ she kept repeating. seeing her so distressed I tried comforting her, not knowing the right words to say; I just kept telling her “It’s okay, we're allright, It’s okay!” with a tremor in her tone “It’s not!” she said strongly…”your cousin is in there!”
‘BOOM!’, most of my senses immediately started to fade out but my hearing became as clear as day! Left frozen once again not knowing what to say, what to do or how to react; I stood powerless listening intently to the rampage progress outside and my imagination running wild of how scared my little six year old cousin must be and what could happen to her…But most of all how something terrible could be happening to my family and as the man of the house I believed I was powerless to protect them!
For whatever reason my mind won’t recover the memory of what exactly happened next or how my cousin managed to get out of the situation physically unharmed but at a later date I found out the men stampeded the house using weapons and CS gas and were after the man who lived there over drug money. My little cousin was staying there over night with her friend for a sleepover. When they both realized what was happening they held the bedroom door shut as tight as they could until the men left.
Those scenes etched in my imagination of my cousin holding the door closed scared for her life and the thought of myself too scared to even try and help unknowingly manifested my first beliefs of weakness and self hatred. I knew then that fear didn’t need a way in to get hold of me, no lock to be let loose, no door to be opened. Fear can grab me at any moment and strip away all perceived power.
