Part 3. chapter 1.
“I let go, lost in oblivion, dark and silent and complete, I found freedom, losing all hope was freedom”
Part 3 - true identity
chapter 1 - breakdown is a breakthrough
A breakdown is mostly caused by two main reasons. One reason could be that we are holding onto a shit ton of emotions (shame, guilt, fear, etc.) that desperately need to be released from our body; so we have some form of breakdown to release those emotions. The second reason could be that we can no longer carry on living as the identity we believe ourselves to be; so we have a form of breakdown to strip those layers of ourselves we show to the world and finally face the parts of ourselves we’ve been running away from.
In both cases we are holding onto something that we clearly don’t want. and the fact that we’re having a breakdown shows our mind, body and spirit don’t want it either.
We put on a brave face and hide from our emotions all the time. we’re taught from a young age to dismiss our emotions so of course we still dismiss them now. we are too scared to even have them, let alone feel them. We distract ourselves from all emotions that feel uncomfortable so we suppress them for as long as we can until moments like these when they’re forced to come up and be addressed, to be felt without judgement.
We also put on a brave face and hide from our natural selves. We’re taught from a young age to dismiss and be ashamed of natural aspects of our self so most of our life we have put on imaginary masks because of fear what other people may think. We believe getting judged by others is worse than lying to ourselves; It’s not as this breakdown is forcing us to look at those aspects we are ashamed of.
If we continue to hold onto these emotions and masks for long enough a breakdown is honestly inevitable in life and is a completely natural response to have as we’re not living naturally. Our body needs to be purged of all dense emotions so don’t be ashamed to release it all any way that comes naturally, tears or sweat, physical or vocal; All that sadness or anger or grief, now is the time to let it all out.
At this point I will assume; like me your depressed? you’ve been depressed for a while and all you’ve seemed to do is survive by barely holding your broken pieces together. Everything you have tried has failed, the identity you’ve ultimately built for yourself and the beliefs around it is making your life too hard to bare and your finding it impossible to hold onto all the built up emotions anymore. In all honestly you've hit rock bottom and you feel like the only way out of this pain is suicide?
Believe it or not hitting rock bottom is actually the greatest moment of our life! We give up! We surrender! All our barriers and built up tension finally collapse, we let out everything we have; tears and all and we’re left with nothing else to give, nothing else to hide, nothing else to hold onto, all that heaviness stripped away. Nothing left but our bare exhausted selves and two options…
We can kill ourselves and end this painful experience that is our lives or we can change! commit to change, commit to healing, commit to ourselves! We can no longer carry on being the person we have been! we can’t carry on living this life anymore! Its either die right now! or we make a decision!…A decision to cut the fat, f**k everything! f**k people’s opinions!, f**k our fear and our doubt and our limited f**ked up mind and our f**ked up thoughts! focus only on what is necessary for us to stay alive! if we’re gonna keep on living in this messed up world, what will help us endure that? and be absolutely honest with yourself, only you know what that is and what it is you need to do!
For me its my family, if I’m going to stay alive its to dedicate my life to healing my mind and in turn showing them how to do the same, to prove that our life doesn’t have to be controlled by our perceived limitations forever and that peace of mind can be achieved as a way of life. That is now my soul purpose for staying alive! In fulfilling my purpose I need to be committed to god! to me god is personal to each individual but most importantly god to me is unconditional love, with unconditional love comes trust, patience, strength and courage to carry on living and overcoming my fears. In committing to god I’m also committing to myself and learning how to heal by loving myself unconditionally. I have to be selfish in making sure whatever needs are met for my own peace of mind and mental health first and foremost. As the saying goes “you can’t pour from an empty cup”.
What’s your purpose?, I don’t mean what’s your god given purpose or your dream job like you should have that all figured out already! I mean what would be the one reason why you shouldn’t kill yourself right now!? just one thing? what is going to keep you enduring this painful existence your so ready to escape? that is your purpose! keep focused on that on your darkest days in spite of any and all fear that arises inside of you. You need a reason to live, a why. As Friedrich nietzsche said beautifully: '“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how”.
What have we got left to lose!? we we’re already moments away from killing ourselves! we are either going to come to this exact point again…which we may well do or we can say f**k it and from this moment on live a life WE want to live! be the person WE want to be! be committed to ourselves and our lives, our peace of mind or our purpose. It’s now time to be fearless and authentic in spite of everything! It’s time to finally set ourselves free from all perceived constraints, this is our second chance at life! we’re blessed!
Our breakdown isn’t what we wanted but it’s the breakthrough we needed!
Peace & love
“There will come a time when you lose everything, including your mind. Once you’ve lost your mind, you’ll be left with nothing but your soul. This is when you’ll know your invincible.”
“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”
“But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.”
